Marjorie
Tomorrow is my beautiful daughter Marjorie's 28th birthday. She is my youngest. I love her so much. I miss her so much.
Our relationship is so intensely emotional. I just want to start over and be her mommy again. I just want to hold her in my arms and smell her hair and kiss her face. I want to protect her from every harm. I want to spend time with her. I want her to know how sorry I am for all of the pain that I caused her during her childhood.
I have told her all of these things. She says she forgives me. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Maybe someday I will be able to.
Happy Birthday Beautiful Daughter.....
I love you more than life itself.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Well, sure has been a long time since I spent anytime on my blog. I have been trying to figure out what the heck a blog even is. An online diary that is open to anyone to read? An informative article that gets published? Frustrated writers outlets? What is the purpose of a blog? A place for people who like to read to find stuff to read? Heehee.
I am in Eugene at the Midwifery Today Conference. Lots of beautiful women here networking and socializing and letting their hair down a bit. Just being able to talk to each other and see how much we have in common has been so good. There is a lot of pain and frustration and anger in this community.
Persecution of midwives has been a topic of conversation and consternation. It is very scary. There are midwives here who have been arrested and who have had their clinics raided and some have been imprisoned. When I dreamed about being a midwife when I was 18 years old, I never imagined that this could be part of my future. It makes me so sad to think that midwives, who serve their communities with tender loving care are accused of felonies when they are only ever helping and get caught in the tide of life. Our society is so horrible. Complaining and suing and prosecuting and investigating and jailing midwives. If doctors have the same outcomes as these midwives, they are not put in prison. I just don't even understand.
I gave two presentations today. They did go very well. The first one was the best. It was about Avoiding Labor Complications. I have had many very nice comments about it. I have been rooming with two super midwives that I have known for many years, but have not gotten to know very well until now. My mentor and midwife is here and is so sweet. I just love her so much.
I am missing my family. A lot of very exciting things have been happening since I have been gone. It looks as if our daughter and her family are going to be buying a piece of property from us and build a house there. This makes me so very happy. I see a lot of fun times in our future. Lots of possibilities for raising food and moving ahead with some things we have been planning for a long time.
Life is good and life goes on. God is dealing well with this midwife. I thank him so much for loving and caring for me. I thank him so much for forgiving me for all of the times I screw up and let him down. I pray for strength in the days to come and for courage to face each day and what it holds. I pray that God will also deal well with my midwife sisters all around the world, that he will protect all of us from persecution, that he will bless the births that we attend and the mothers and babies who we are called to serve.
I am in Eugene at the Midwifery Today Conference. Lots of beautiful women here networking and socializing and letting their hair down a bit. Just being able to talk to each other and see how much we have in common has been so good. There is a lot of pain and frustration and anger in this community.
Persecution of midwives has been a topic of conversation and consternation. It is very scary. There are midwives here who have been arrested and who have had their clinics raided and some have been imprisoned. When I dreamed about being a midwife when I was 18 years old, I never imagined that this could be part of my future. It makes me so sad to think that midwives, who serve their communities with tender loving care are accused of felonies when they are only ever helping and get caught in the tide of life. Our society is so horrible. Complaining and suing and prosecuting and investigating and jailing midwives. If doctors have the same outcomes as these midwives, they are not put in prison. I just don't even understand.
I gave two presentations today. They did go very well. The first one was the best. It was about Avoiding Labor Complications. I have had many very nice comments about it. I have been rooming with two super midwives that I have known for many years, but have not gotten to know very well until now. My mentor and midwife is here and is so sweet. I just love her so much.
I am missing my family. A lot of very exciting things have been happening since I have been gone. It looks as if our daughter and her family are going to be buying a piece of property from us and build a house there. This makes me so very happy. I see a lot of fun times in our future. Lots of possibilities for raising food and moving ahead with some things we have been planning for a long time.
Life is good and life goes on. God is dealing well with this midwife. I thank him so much for loving and caring for me. I thank him so much for forgiving me for all of the times I screw up and let him down. I pray for strength in the days to come and for courage to face each day and what it holds. I pray that God will also deal well with my midwife sisters all around the world, that he will protect all of us from persecution, that he will bless the births that we attend and the mothers and babies who we are called to serve.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The River Applauds
I have no bones to pick with anyone, no complaining to do, no astute observations to make. Sometimes I feel like a passenger of life. Some things go by me so fast that I can't even tell what they were, others I see coming from far away and it seems as they will never get here, and then, zoom....they whiz by. I try to keep looking forward though....when I turn around and look back, I get a little nauseous. I am feeling a bit laid back today and it is nice.
I have had some reflective moments lately and they have led me on some flights of fancy and some soul searching. It seems like my client calls have lessened over the last year. I hear that the economy is causing a lull in childbearing and that the rates are at a low that hasn't been seen for the last 40 years. I hear that fact, and I believe it, but still, I see pregnant women everywhere. Why aren't they calling me? During a late night, early morning Bible reading, I paused at the passage in Daniel where the partying king suddenly saw a hand writing on the wall. He had no idea what the words meant and neither did any of his wise men, so he sent for Daniel. Daniel interpreted it for the king. The king had been squandering the resources of his kingdom, had been drinking wine out of the holy vessels of the temple and generally been a rotten guy.
Now, to this day, we use a phrase to say that we see the future outcome of any event as "the handwriting is on the wall". Now, if I use that in my situation, does that mean that my business is just going to draw to a close, since business has dropped off? Is the handwriting on the wall?
Now back to Daniel. When he told the king what God had said to him I felt that God could have been talking to me. He (the king) had been weighed in the balance and was found lacking. So, his kingdom was to be abolished and divided between two neighboring kingdoms. Additionally, his very life was to be taken from him for his disrespect of the things of God's house. That night, he died.
I pondered this thought for a long time....have I been found lacking when weighed in the balance. Then it occurred to me: I have been found lacking in balancing my weight, my life. It is always such an either or equation for me. I throw myself into whatever it is I am doing full on, then move to the next. I do not balance my time between all that I have. God, my husband, my family, my work, ME.. Because of the lack of balance I am not prospering in every area. All of them suffer.
I have been trying to manage my time better for the last several months. This scripture just put a punch into it and made me know that I cannot give up. I am on the right path and that my "kingdom" will not be divided up when I am paying attention to each part. So I have been trying to get out and take a walk several times a week. Yesterday I was walking along beside the Salmon River and listening to it's strong current rushing by. It sounded like applause. I posted this as my status and this is what a sweet friend posted back to me,
Isaiah 55:12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (and the river too!) : )
Sometimes when you listen and stop picking bones with everyone you may find something just for you that God is telling you and receive the confirmation that what you are doing is what you were told. The river might just applaud your efforts.
I have had some reflective moments lately and they have led me on some flights of fancy and some soul searching. It seems like my client calls have lessened over the last year. I hear that the economy is causing a lull in childbearing and that the rates are at a low that hasn't been seen for the last 40 years. I hear that fact, and I believe it, but still, I see pregnant women everywhere. Why aren't they calling me? During a late night, early morning Bible reading, I paused at the passage in Daniel where the partying king suddenly saw a hand writing on the wall. He had no idea what the words meant and neither did any of his wise men, so he sent for Daniel. Daniel interpreted it for the king. The king had been squandering the resources of his kingdom, had been drinking wine out of the holy vessels of the temple and generally been a rotten guy.
Now, to this day, we use a phrase to say that we see the future outcome of any event as "the handwriting is on the wall". Now, if I use that in my situation, does that mean that my business is just going to draw to a close, since business has dropped off? Is the handwriting on the wall?
Now back to Daniel. When he told the king what God had said to him I felt that God could have been talking to me. He (the king) had been weighed in the balance and was found lacking. So, his kingdom was to be abolished and divided between two neighboring kingdoms. Additionally, his very life was to be taken from him for his disrespect of the things of God's house. That night, he died.
I pondered this thought for a long time....have I been found lacking when weighed in the balance. Then it occurred to me: I have been found lacking in balancing my weight, my life. It is always such an either or equation for me. I throw myself into whatever it is I am doing full on, then move to the next. I do not balance my time between all that I have. God, my husband, my family, my work, ME.. Because of the lack of balance I am not prospering in every area. All of them suffer.
I have been trying to manage my time better for the last several months. This scripture just put a punch into it and made me know that I cannot give up. I am on the right path and that my "kingdom" will not be divided up when I am paying attention to each part. So I have been trying to get out and take a walk several times a week. Yesterday I was walking along beside the Salmon River and listening to it's strong current rushing by. It sounded like applause. I posted this as my status and this is what a sweet friend posted back to me,
Isaiah 55:12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (and the river too!) : )
Sometimes when you listen and stop picking bones with everyone you may find something just for you that God is telling you and receive the confirmation that what you are doing is what you were told. The river might just applaud your efforts.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Serving birthing families
I want to continue to serve the families in my community. I love being a midwife and I love the moms and babies who I am so honored to meet. I heeded the call to midwifery because of that love and a need that I saw I could meet. Recently, however, the calling has taken on a new life.
Instead of concentrating on loving and caring for all the families who call on me, I find myself embroiled in a political and financial battlefield. I truly believe that there is a midwife for every woman and that the more midwives there are, the more women will be served and the whole world will be a better place. The political climate for midwifery is undergoing an assault. This assault is being waged by our friendly neighborhood doctors and nurses. Granted I am not speaking for all of them, but as heard in the public comment of the recent meeting of the OHLA, there is no shortage of folks who would love to see midwives completely banished from their (the medico's) kingdoms. The accusations are made that midwives are un and under educated, that we can not possibly know enough about pregnancy to notice when a woman becomes ill and at high risk for an out of hospital birth. That we "dump" women on the doorsteps of the hospital emergency rooms when we transport them during an emergency and basically, we are not fit to care for pregnant women in any form.
This has really depressed me. To add to that distress, is the current running through the community that somehow being licensed is being a traitor to true midwifery. That licensing ruins midwives and that licensed midwives provide inadequate care of women because they may have rules to follow. This also depresses me.
I truly only need to be concerned with pleasing my father in Heaven. I do this by answering the call that was placed on my life and by serving families with as much love, compassion and humility as I can. I became licensed so that women who could not afford to birth outside of the hospital could use their state insurance to pay me. I also believe that by being referred to me through the referral pages provided by WIC and the health department I have been able to prevent hundreds of cesarean sections and the subsequent VBACs. I do not expect to please the docs who are so worried about my "reckless" care of the breech, twins and VBAC moms I attend. I do not expect to please my sister midwives who call for no licensing or no restrictions to licensing. I know that pleasing everyone is completely impossible in any situation so this is not any different.
I am concerned though, by the unrest among sister midwives across the nation. There is so much emphasis placed on "who is right" that we are losing sight of what it is we are doing in the first place. Serving birthing families. Serve them as they call on you, serve them with what you have and what you know. Serve them with honesty and compassion. Serve them without putting down previous care providers or other providers in your area. Support each other. Help each other when you can. Speak kindly and highly of each other and once in a while, you might even refer a family to another midwife. Unity among the midwifery community will make a cord that is not easily broken. Our cord is frayed and weak. We can come together. Put down your agendas and prejudices. Open your hearts to your sister midwives as you open your hearts to the families you serve. Put into practice in your lives what you instinctively know to do in your midwifery service. Put all fear away....fear of rules, fear of authority, fear of change....fear of freedom. Perfect love casts out all fear!!! Love those who are in opposition to you, try to trust and be open and transparent. Love, love, love. I say again....LOVE! This is our only defense.
Instead of concentrating on loving and caring for all the families who call on me, I find myself embroiled in a political and financial battlefield. I truly believe that there is a midwife for every woman and that the more midwives there are, the more women will be served and the whole world will be a better place. The political climate for midwifery is undergoing an assault. This assault is being waged by our friendly neighborhood doctors and nurses. Granted I am not speaking for all of them, but as heard in the public comment of the recent meeting of the OHLA, there is no shortage of folks who would love to see midwives completely banished from their (the medico's) kingdoms. The accusations are made that midwives are un and under educated, that we can not possibly know enough about pregnancy to notice when a woman becomes ill and at high risk for an out of hospital birth. That we "dump" women on the doorsteps of the hospital emergency rooms when we transport them during an emergency and basically, we are not fit to care for pregnant women in any form.
This has really depressed me. To add to that distress, is the current running through the community that somehow being licensed is being a traitor to true midwifery. That licensing ruins midwives and that licensed midwives provide inadequate care of women because they may have rules to follow. This also depresses me.
I truly only need to be concerned with pleasing my father in Heaven. I do this by answering the call that was placed on my life and by serving families with as much love, compassion and humility as I can. I became licensed so that women who could not afford to birth outside of the hospital could use their state insurance to pay me. I also believe that by being referred to me through the referral pages provided by WIC and the health department I have been able to prevent hundreds of cesarean sections and the subsequent VBACs. I do not expect to please the docs who are so worried about my "reckless" care of the breech, twins and VBAC moms I attend. I do not expect to please my sister midwives who call for no licensing or no restrictions to licensing. I know that pleasing everyone is completely impossible in any situation so this is not any different.
I am concerned though, by the unrest among sister midwives across the nation. There is so much emphasis placed on "who is right" that we are losing sight of what it is we are doing in the first place. Serving birthing families. Serve them as they call on you, serve them with what you have and what you know. Serve them with honesty and compassion. Serve them without putting down previous care providers or other providers in your area. Support each other. Help each other when you can. Speak kindly and highly of each other and once in a while, you might even refer a family to another midwife. Unity among the midwifery community will make a cord that is not easily broken. Our cord is frayed and weak. We can come together. Put down your agendas and prejudices. Open your hearts to your sister midwives as you open your hearts to the families you serve. Put into practice in your lives what you instinctively know to do in your midwifery service. Put all fear away....fear of rules, fear of authority, fear of change....fear of freedom. Perfect love casts out all fear!!! Love those who are in opposition to you, try to trust and be open and transparent. Love, love, love. I say again....LOVE! This is our only defense.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Strep B!!!!
I have a theory about strep B.
With all of the treatments and preventative therapies out there, from diet to Hibiclens washes, I find it very interesting that strep b remains a serious fear for many practitioners.
How it is that 33% of women are colonized at term, and that 1-2% of their babies will be affected by this. And that 25% of these babies are premature. (This is a quote from the CDC's strategy paper. ) But 100% of women who test positive for Strep B or who have risk factors during labor: a fever of 100.4 or over, membranes ruptured longer than 18 hours, a previous baby with strep b or labor before 37 weeks, are treated with antibiotics during labor.
I inform my clients about strep b and give them the choice to be cultured, or not. They choose to be treated with antibiotics or not. Most opt out of the culture and all have opted out of the antibiotics. In over 20 years I have never had a baby with a strep b infection. Here is my theory:
The strep bacteria reside on the outside of the woman's genitalia and on the anus. When culturing a woman, this is where the culture is collected from. So if the bacteria always live there how is it that they wind up on the amniotic sac inside of the uterus? I think that care providers put it there. During the last month of the pregnancy, how common is it to have a routine check of the cervix at every visit. Could it be possible that the examiner's fingers are collecting the bacteria (especially if it is colonized) and inoculating the cervix and the amniotic sac with this bacteria. Here it has a wonderful environment to grow and to cause the chorio-amnionitis and amnionitis and uterine infection, and baby infection that is so troubling in ob care today.
When mom is in labor, then the checking continues. If the prenatal cervical exams didn't make sure that the bacteria was in the cervix, the labor exams will.
You might ask, "What about intercourse?" Well, I believe that in most situations, the man isn't putting his fingers, or his penis in the cervix, and is not touching the baby's presenting part, or the amniotic sac, or the inside of the os at all. There is also a lot of cleansing fluids and mucous involved with intercourse that are lacking during a cervical exam.
This has prompted me to make sure that in my practice, since I do not know the strep b status of any of my clients, to not do prenatal cervical exams, and to limit the exams in labor to none, or one. I think that this one practice has accounted for the zero strep b infected babies I have had in my service. I may be just a dumb midwife, but this bit of common sense feels very sensible and right.
Stay out of her cervix. There is nothing gained by prenatal cervical exams and during labor, they are more than annoying to the woman anyway. Women have been having babies for thousands of years without anyone checking them. The women I serve like to tell me what to do and I love it when they say they feel like pushing and I say, just follow your body, do what it tells you to do. They love not being checked and given permission to push.
I do check some moms. If they really want me to. But if they don't ask, I don't offer. It simply isn't necessary, and I believe that it is spreading bacteria that is harmful to the baby and the uterus.
I believe that the birth process is a life giving process, not a life threatening process and if left alone will culminate in a healthy and safe arrival of the newborn. I am dedicated to NOT interfere with it in even seemingly harmless ways. One of these ways is the cervical exam. More ways to follow on this blog.
Cynthia
I have a theory about strep B.
With all of the treatments and preventative therapies out there, from diet to Hibiclens washes, I find it very interesting that strep b remains a serious fear for many practitioners.
How it is that 33% of women are colonized at term, and that 1-2% of their babies will be affected by this. And that 25% of these babies are premature. (This is a quote from the CDC's strategy paper. ) But 100% of women who test positive for Strep B or who have risk factors during labor: a fever of 100.4 or over, membranes ruptured longer than 18 hours, a previous baby with strep b or labor before 37 weeks, are treated with antibiotics during labor.
I inform my clients about strep b and give them the choice to be cultured, or not. They choose to be treated with antibiotics or not. Most opt out of the culture and all have opted out of the antibiotics. In over 20 years I have never had a baby with a strep b infection. Here is my theory:
The strep bacteria reside on the outside of the woman's genitalia and on the anus. When culturing a woman, this is where the culture is collected from. So if the bacteria always live there how is it that they wind up on the amniotic sac inside of the uterus? I think that care providers put it there. During the last month of the pregnancy, how common is it to have a routine check of the cervix at every visit. Could it be possible that the examiner's fingers are collecting the bacteria (especially if it is colonized) and inoculating the cervix and the amniotic sac with this bacteria. Here it has a wonderful environment to grow and to cause the chorio-amnionitis and amnionitis and uterine infection, and baby infection that is so troubling in ob care today.
When mom is in labor, then the checking continues. If the prenatal cervical exams didn't make sure that the bacteria was in the cervix, the labor exams will.
You might ask, "What about intercourse?" Well, I believe that in most situations, the man isn't putting his fingers, or his penis in the cervix, and is not touching the baby's presenting part, or the amniotic sac, or the inside of the os at all. There is also a lot of cleansing fluids and mucous involved with intercourse that are lacking during a cervical exam.
This has prompted me to make sure that in my practice, since I do not know the strep b status of any of my clients, to not do prenatal cervical exams, and to limit the exams in labor to none, or one. I think that this one practice has accounted for the zero strep b infected babies I have had in my service. I may be just a dumb midwife, but this bit of common sense feels very sensible and right.
Stay out of her cervix. There is nothing gained by prenatal cervical exams and during labor, they are more than annoying to the woman anyway. Women have been having babies for thousands of years without anyone checking them. The women I serve like to tell me what to do and I love it when they say they feel like pushing and I say, just follow your body, do what it tells you to do. They love not being checked and given permission to push.
I do check some moms. If they really want me to. But if they don't ask, I don't offer. It simply isn't necessary, and I believe that it is spreading bacteria that is harmful to the baby and the uterus.
I believe that the birth process is a life giving process, not a life threatening process and if left alone will culminate in a healthy and safe arrival of the newborn. I am dedicated to NOT interfere with it in even seemingly harmless ways. One of these ways is the cervical exam. More ways to follow on this blog.
Cynthia
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